In an article titled “Are Women Too Compassionate for Their Own Good?”

By Beverly Engel, the point is made that “putting other people's feelings and needs ahead of our own can create a situation where a woman can actually become unaware of or numb to her own feelings and needs. Once this occurs a woman is a prime candidate to be used or abused by others without her even realizing it. And she is so focused outside of herself and so cut off from her own needs that in essence, she neglects and abuses herself.” This is a good point, but as we all know dealing with people’s feelings is a balancing act.

If another person reveals that you have done something to hurt their feelings, do you have a right to be hurt when it was a totally unintentional act? Or, do you have no right because they were simply being truthful and expressing their feelings? Not a fun predicament to be in I know! So, I think I have found the solution.

What if I just didn’t treat anyone overly nice…..ever? Then no one would come to expect nice things from me and when I do say or do something to hurt someone’s feelings they don’t feel so bad because that’s just my nature and I don’t feel so bad because it was intentional and not so far out of the norm from my usual actions. Just an idea!

What does unconditional love look like???

Well, I would imagine it looks something like this…….

I don’t know why I think that. Maybe its because they look so sweet and innocent and loving. Maybe its because of the sweet little look in their eyes…..or maybe its because I’m weirdly fascinated with pictures that portray animals less like animals and more like…us!

Being that I am a very shallow person, I can easily admit two things –

1) I am totally into appearance first, as well as forever! I like a guy who is reasonably well fit – not in perfect shape mind you….and that’s because of my second shallow admission……

2) I don’t want a guy that I’m involved with to EVER look better than me.

I don’t want to have to worry about every cheeseburger or slice of pizza I’m going to have. If I feel like my guy looks WAY better than me, you can believe that’s really going to bother me! At this point, I’m going to have to take drastic measures! No, I’m not going to hit the gym everyday – I mean drastic measures concerning him.

If you start looking better than me then you better make sure you’re cooking for yourself because guess what? That grilled chicken breast I cooked you last night, I slathered it with Crisco. Yeah, and that salad with low-fat dressing, ha – trust me buddy, you got the full fat version! You start worrying because you’re eating healthy but still not losing weight. That’s because while you were sleeping, I was sneaking gobs of peanut butter down your throat!

Ok, now at this point you’re becoming really insecure right? So, now I’m really going to play on that fear. I’m going to let you know that it’s ok that you’re not in as great shape, because I’ll always love you – forget what everyone might think of you because you only need my approval! It’s only my opinion of you that counts right??? Besides, why would you worry about all those horribly judgmental people out there anyway?

Alright, I realize some of you may think this is mean, maybe even utterly cruel, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do right? The dating world can be quite competitive and I’m not a gracious loser! This is a plan that seems to work well for me, so I’m unselfishly sharing it with the world – or at least the 2 or 3 people that might come across this random blog at some point. It’s stellar advice people….use it!!!

Often times you will see men’s magazines advertising phrases like these: “Releasing your wife’s bedroom potential”, “Heighten her libido”, “The shocking therapy to make your wife want you”….etc….. All these advertisements imply that you, stud, are just the one to fix your wife’s frigidness – but let me clue some of you into a little something…..some of you are actually the CAUSE of it!

I’m willing to bet that in many cases, “SHE” isn’t frigid – she is just tired of your approach! I’m sure that when you were dating you put all the effort you had into applying just the right moves. That’s the way it should be, ALWAYS! You should never, ever stop doing things like that because that’s when you stop being so appealing to her. Take a logical look at it; if during the formative weeks/months/years of dating, foreplay consisted of 30 minutes of making out and any activity involving wax, handcuffs, or feathers shouldn’t that still be a part of what you do now? At what point did you decide that uttering the sentence “hey, take your pants off and get in here” can be a suitable substitute for your former activities? If anything the make-out session should increase and the fun stuff should become even more adventurous.

When you stop doing those things, you stop making her feel attractive and that will begin a chain of events that leads to nothing but disaster in the bedroom for you guys – eventually leading you to read the above mentioned magazines that aren’t going to help you because they are written by men who are busy writing about and not applying this logic! What do these guys know???? NOTHING! What does Chili Pup know about it??? Duh – everything!

Of course, you don’t have to take my word for it and you are more than welcome to continue with the same tired approach. But, you know what the definition of insanity is, correct? OK, good – just checking! Alright, so what are your still doing reading this? Get in there, get your game face on and go for it!

OOPS………..wait a second …….I need to add a simple disclaimer to this bit of advice for some of you. In a few cases guys, you really aren’t the problem – she is just frigid! What do you do in that case? How the hell should I know? Ask some frigid chick….not me!

I would love to come clean with something and figured that my blog is the best place to do it – for two reasons – one because it’s anonymous and two because let’s be real, no one reads this stuff anyway. But here it is – my confession, in all its nerdy brilliance……..I have always wanted to know what I would look like if someone drew me as a comic book character. Not just any character, I’m not interested in a Lois Lane drawing, I’m talking about intimately detailed, superhero Chili Pup!

OK, I realize this is a harebrained idea, but whatever, it’s MY harebrained idea and I want to know what I’d look like in a skin-tight, full body suit and boots. Of course, perfect hair and a cute little mask would be essential as well. What respectable normal girl turned comic book superhero would be seen without these fundamental components of illustrated attire?

Sure, I could attempt to draw this myself…….but the problem with that is I have no talent for drawing whatsoever!!! There is also the fact that I’m sure I look A LOT different in my head than I do to everyone else. Also, I don’t know much about comic book characters so I’m sure even if I could draw myself as one I’d break some unwritten comic book rule that I don’t even know about and if it ever made it onto the hands of a comic aficionado, I would get in all kinds of trouble! Comic book people seem like the kind to take their craft seriously and I certainly don’t want to be accused of violating any comic laws.

Now, as you sit back and laugh at me, you may want to keep in mind that a comic book superhero version of yourself would probably be much sexier than the real thing so shouldn’t we all want to see our comic book selves????

OK, I’ll go ahead and admit it right now; I am a complete and total Mullet Fanatic! I love Mullets! If I could travel back in time to the 1980’s, I would grab hold of this most defining hairstyle and drag it with me. Of course, when I get to a point where I really miss seeing the old “business in the front party in the back” mop I can always take a trip somewhere deep inside Chilton, Bibb, or Walker County.

Now, what exactly is that I love about a Mullet? Well, to be honest with you, its more the man than the hairstyle. A man with a Mullet will never let you down in a few certain areas! First, he will always, very politely, open the door to his 1994 Chevrolet Monte Carlo. This is a throw back to the good old days when Mullet Men had awesome Camaro’s or maybe a “bitchin” Trans-Am a.k.a. the “T.A.”! A 94 Monte Carlo will be about as “muscle car” as a man with a current Mullet is gonna get right? Because, honestly, let’s face facts; if he has a Mullet in these current times, he also has a job where it is required that he have his name embroidered on a little patch on his trusty blue shirt.

That, friends is what brings me to another sure fire thing you can count on Mr. current day Mullet Man for; a semi-steady job in the automotive repair industry. Now, how handy is it to have a guy like that around? He’ll always help decorate your yard with  used tires for flower beds and even a few tricked out hubcaps for bird feeders. Oh, and speaking of his decorating abilities don’t forget that he’ll also have a full set of Marlboro lawn chairs that are awesome on summer nights to just sit in and relax while throwing back a few Budweisers! Ah, good times…….

But, the absolute most certain thing you can count on the Mullet Man for is his knack of knowing exactly when to interrupt the band on stage and call for the most awesome song of all time….Freebird! Did I say knack? Let me make a correction, because its really almost more of an “aptitude”. How does he know just the right moment in between guitar solos and playful dialogue between a washed up lead singer and the native audience in which to make his exclamation? I don’t know the answer to that, only that it must be some type of magic, nay sorcery even. Any magical power must be derived from that beautiful magical hair!

If its been a while since you have spotted a Mullet, try going on a Mullet hunt. You can rest assured that chances of spotting one will be best if you stick to at least 50 miles from any major city. They are becoming rarer as time passes so it does become more difficult to find them. Just remember that once you do catch sight of one, please show it and its owner the respect they so richly deserve!

Since I’m feeling so generous today I thought I’d offer the guys out there a free gift. Now, if anything sexual popped into your mind when you read that, then this post may be just for you. Read it, print it off and then read it again if need be. Heck, feel free to laminate it and carry it around with you. Today’s lesson is all about how you should approach a woman.

Let me break things down for by using two friends of mine and their current situations. Girl A, we’ll call Jonica…..

Jonica met a guy that she found very attractive. In addition to what she likes about his appearance, she has come to find out that he is attentive, charming, romantic, talented, and the more she’s around him, the more she realizes just how wonderful he is and how lucky she is to have him in her life. She found these things out about him because he slowly introduced himself a little more to her each day while also listening to her and finding out all about her. Jonica could be very well on her way to having her fairytale ending with Prince Charming…..who knows?

In contrast, we have Girl B……and we’ll call her Brianna…….

Brianna met a guy as well (as a matter of fact, it was the same night Jonica met her prince). We know that Brianna was very attracted to this guy…..but that’s about all the nice things we know of this guy. The reason for this is because this guy hasn’t taken the time to get to know Brianna or to let her know anything nice about himself. All he’s let her know is that he is a dog in heat!!!!! All he wants Brianna to know about is the things he wants to do to her and according to my friend, its only coming off as graphic and offensive. I think she even used the term “killing a pig to get those images out of my mind” but I can’t remember exactly.

So now that the comparisons have been drawn let’s just discuss why scenario number one is sooooo much better than scenario number two. Guy #2 is gross! He cannot seem to put the brakes on his hormones and because of that he will never get to actually experience any of the fun activities with Brianna that might have eventually been possible if he’d just learned not to be a pig. He couldn’t do that though, so now his potty mouth has earned him NADA!

In the meantime, Jonica’s beau who we all know wanted to do the EXACT same things as Brianna’s guy is currently being rewarded for his good behavior. By not being a pig, or dog, or whatever barnyard name you would like to insert here, in the beginning, he gets to be the bad boy now and Jonica is going to totally get into it with him! As a matter of fact, she might even just be the one who has to be tamed now! I can’t say that for sure because she hasn’t shared quite that much information with me, but I would tend to think that’s only fair!

OK, so review time guys – slower charmer, good; dog in heat, BAD! – And for the girls, reward good behavior by going wild with him. But, pop the dog in heat on the nose with a newspaper. If that doesn’t work, let some other girl try and tame him and if she can’t maybe he just needs to be neutered!

A few years ago, my company decided that a really good use of our corporate profit would be to implement a “random drug testing program”. In my infinite wisdom, I totally disagree. I think this is a completely stupid idea. Now, I’m not against all forms of drug testing. A pre-employment drug screening is fine in my opinion. You don’t know this applicant or their habits so if you want to make sure you’re not making some gigantic mistake and hiring Pablo Escabar’s guinea pig, fine. I say go for it!

I also think it’s perfectly reasonable to have a “for cause” testing plan, keeping in mind there is an actual cause and not just something trumped up. I mean, if $150.00 worth of staplers and the company coffee machine come up missing and then turn up at the local pawn shop we might need to start focusing in on key behaviors because now I’m pretty certain there is a drug addict in our office – and I know this for two reasons…..

1)       Things are missing from the office. Staplers and coffee makers don’t get up and walk away by themselves, right???

2)       Stupid things are missing from the office. Seriously, did you hear what I said - $150.00 in staplers….and the coffee maker. These are not things that a sober minded individual with well laid plans is going to steal. That’s the work of a crack head in a hurry! (Incidentally, if laptops and the company vehicle go missing, that my friends, is when you worry about a gambling addict in your midst – but that’s for another blog post entirely.

Meanwhile, you may start to notice that Ron, your normally meticulous, reliable co-worker has seemed a little “distant” lately. His personal hygiene is lacking, hair often disheveled, and there are now large blisters forming around his mouth on a somewhat regular basis. OK, so now we have “cause” and at this point Ron’s ass needs to be hauled off to the bathroom and handed a clear plastic cup. Results come back, BINGO – Ron is busted so he’s fired and his last paycheck docked for any of the staplers we may not have recovered. See how well that worked out?

Now, under the “random testing” Ron doesn’t even get called in but Myra Jean, the semi-elderly administrative assistant who is 3 months away from retirement did get the call. So we wisely just spent $200 to test her urine and find out that she routinely gets a dose of daily vitamins and Estrogen, but not really much else. Let’s not forget to mention the fact that poor old Myra Jean is quite shy and is at least temporarily scarred by the fact that she had to use the bathroom in full view of a complete stranger, all while trying to remember that she “better not” flush the toilet and make the blue water disappear.

There is also the fact that it’s a complete invasion of your privacy. “Hi Stan, we’d like to know exactly how much fun you had last weekend, could you please follow us and pee in this cup?” Why stop with just the drug test? Maybe we should find out what type of sexual behavior Stan might have been engaged in as well – I mean if it’s for the good of the company, why not? Maybe Stan had a marathon session with a whole group of women. That could leave him a little tired and open to costly accounting mistakes so we’ll need to nip that in the bud right away.

Honestly though, what bugs me the most about the “random drug test program” is the fact that it’s completely paradox to the company’s claim of creating an “atmosphere of trust”. How do the powers that be reconcile this to themselves? They expect you to trust every decision they make and put your financial future in their hands everyday, yet they don’t trust you to make decisions on you own time? That really blows my mind!

Lastly, let me be clear on something. I myself, do not do not partake of illegal substances, so this post is not to condone drug use. Simply put, I just happen to think that what you do on your own time is your own business so why should your company be so concerned with your personal life?

ChiliPup

This blog is for educa…..errr entertainment purposes only. This is simply a way for me to vent about the silliness of this world and the “wonderful” people I encounter. I can’t promise that it will be entertaining, only that an attempt will be made to make you laugh. Feel free to laugh with me or even at me, just so long as you find humor in what I post. If not, then quit reading – its not like anyone is forcing you to read this, right???

Ok, so we are quickly establishing I have no talent as a writer and honestly, I’m really not that funny. However, I have a friend who has persuaded me to do this and by revealing that little nugget of info we have also established that people should probably think it through before encouraging my bad behavior.

If you were hoping for a more proper and detailed introduction then I’m sorry to disappoint you. Part of my “goal” here is to remain anonymous and giving out details about me and who I am would totally destroy the veil of secrecy required for me to “dis” co-workers, family, friends, etc….. If you must have a description of me feel free to picture me as a really snooty, uptight, bad-tempered kinda gal. If it’s a physical description you’re looking for, well that’s simple enough………

I’m 5’6, 120 lbs. with long wavy blond hair, blue eyes, and large implants, and -  yeah right – if you were actually buying that then please reach up and slap yourself right now. Seriously, do you think girls like that write their own blog??? Um, no… but if a girl like that did have her own blog then she would have some gullible nerd like you writing it for her!

So, now that my introduction has done a great job of not introducing me, neither you nor I will feel quite so awkward about prying eyes reading over whatever insanity runs through my mind and eventually gets dumped out onto a screen for you to read. Don’t we all have a warm fuzzy feeling about where this journey might take us????

ChiliPup!